literature

Never Letting Go

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    Jack threw his phone against his bedroom wall, letting his anger and frustration build up more as he forced himself to stare at the new dent it left in the plaster. Blue paint chipped to the floor, snowflakes drifting down into the carpet below. He almost felt calm until he saw the shattered remains of his phone, and once more he struggled with his mind. 

    He hated this. 

    Jack pushed himself against the wall, his back pressed hard against the cool plaster until his legs collapsed from beneath him. He didn't care that he should've been getting ready, that he was going to be late. His teachers hated him anyways. So did most of the other students. Sure he had friends but, he didn't have classes with them. No, he wasn't up to their par. His intelligence was no match for theirs. He hated that too. Maybe they did as well; how good could it be if he was always asking for help with his school work? They must've thought he was only friends with them to get free answers. 

    That must be it, they must be pitying him. Poor Jack, little lonely Jack with the freak diseases and mental illnesses. Crazy Jack, good ole' class clown Frost.

    He started pulling at his hair. He felt his chest tightening up. Was he breathing?

    He couldn't do this anymore.

    He didn't know what to do, he'd tried everything. He'd looked at every book and article that had been shoved in his face by counselors, he tried every alternative method to self-harm, he even tried medication that Principal North had somehow miraculously convinced his parents to get.  

    It was all for nothing.

    Nothing worked. 

    In fact, he felt like it made everything worse.

    He made everything worse. He could see it. He could see how he exhausted everyone around him, how whenever he entered the room conversation shifted, how the mood darkened, how no one seemed to want to leave him alone yet couldn't look him in the eye. It was like he was some sort of outsider, something unusual. Something weird. Something that they didn't want to deal with.  

    Fine.

    He couldn't blame them.

    He didn't want to deal with himself either. 

    And he decided then, that he wouldn't. That no one would ever have to deal with him ever again. 

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~*

    "Have you seen Jack?" Hiccup ran up to Astrid, Aster, and Tooth, out of breath and hair a mess. As soon as he'd heard that his boyfriend wasn't in first period, he'd gotten a sickening feeling in his stomach that something was wrong, and he had an idea that he hoped to the gods that just this once, he would be wrong.

    "No, Hicc, sorry. Was he in first period?" Tooth asked, turning to face him.

    "No! And he's not answering his phone!" 

    Astrid placed a hand on the auburn's shoulder, "You know that phone's die sometimes, right? Jack just might've forgotten to charge it last night."

    Hiccup shook his head, "No, that's can't be it. He always has it charged, ever since the accident, he always has it charged. He neverdoesn't answer a call or text." Especially if it's from me. 

    "Well, have ya tried 'is parents?" Aster suggested as he glanced at the clock in the hall. "We need ta get ta class, Hiccup. I'm sure Frostbite's fine." 

    "Yeah, the bell's about to ring. Why don't you call him again during lunch?" Astrid added, already turning to walk to her class as the students around the group did the same. "You know that his alarm sometimes doesn't go off, or he might be sick."

    Hiccup shook his head again, the feeling in his stomach only getting worse with each passing second. Couldn't they see that something was horribly wrong? Couldn't they feel it? "No, no that can't be it. He would still answer his phone; he's never missed a call." 

    "Well, there's nothing you can do for it right now. Just go to class and try again later, okay?" Tooth told him with a sad smile; maybe she could feel something was off too.

    The auburn huffed turning away from his friends, frowning deeply. "See you guys after school."

    Tooth reached out to him, but he was already jogging down the hall. She yelled, "Wait! Hiccup, where are you going!"

    "To Jack's house!" He shouted back, not even glancing back at them. He didn't have a moment to waste, he could feel that something bad was happening. He didn't know how or why he felt this way but he couldn't shake it, and it was beginning to scare him. 

    "But what about-"

    "I don't care! There is something wrong, and I'm not going to sit and do nothing about it if I can help it!"

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

    This was it. 

    He'd waved his parents off, faked them out good with stomach cramps and a phony fever, and they'd gone to take Emma to school. He didn't have a lot of time before they'd come back to check on him one last time before heading off to work, but he didn't need much anyways. He'd been thinking about this for months, really, he'd just never set a date. He didn't like the idea of it, after all, how can one set a date for their own death? 

    He'd left a letter he'd written over time, the paper crumbled and torn and ink smudged, but it would do. He wasn't sure anyone would read it honestly. But he left it all the same, with a little note sealed in a letter addressed to his boyfriend, picked up his coat, and walked out the back door. He headed for the woods, the place he'd grown up in. Laughed in. Loved in. Everything in his life now had started underneath the trees.

    It seemed fitting he'd end it all underneath them as well. 

    He was barely aware of his surroundings as he made his way down the path. Jack kept his mind blank, knowing if he thought about anything now he might stop himself. He didn't want to stop himself. This was the right thing to do. He had to do it. He wanted to do it. No one was there to stop it. 

    It was going to be simple really. Find the pond, walk to the edge, and jump. He couldn't swim, he never learned after his little incident as a child. He knew it'd scare him, the water. But he also knew he could fall backwards; he wouldn't have to see it. Sure, he could use a wide variety of other ways, quicker too. But he didn't want anything messy. He didn't want anyone to have to deal with that. He didn't want anyone to have to see that, what if it would be his sister who found him first? Or Hiccup?

    Oh.

    Hiccup.

    He'd reached the clearing now. He was staring at the rocks when his name jumped into his mind, and he stopped. Hiccup. This was going to hurt him. A lot. 

    And Emma.

    And his parents.

    And everyone else around him.

    "N-No it won't..." He almost didn't recognize his own voice as he pushed himself forward. He was going to do this. He'd come all this way, he'd left the letter, his parents might've already found it by now, there was no going back. This was going to be it. 

    He was climbing the rocks now. Just think of all the pain you've caused them, this will be a relief! Jack nodded, numb to the tears running down his face. This would be good, he was doing good ending their pain. This won't end their pain, they've never been in pain because of you! This will hurt them, more than anything you have ever done. This is something that can't be undone! 

    He was at the top now. His heart was beating rapidly against his rib cage. THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP in his ears, blood roaring against the ear drums. The forest was silent; there was no wind, no rustling, no birds. No sun, it was cloudy today. Perhaps it is going to rain.

    He approached the edge, keeping his eyes straight forward until he turned around. His back was to the water, and he tilted his head up to the sky. 

    Little tears dropped to the stone, their splash louder than anything Jack had ever heard before as he let himself tilt back.

    At least, until he heard his name screamed from the top of someone's lungs, and his mind roared to life just as his feet slipped off the edge. 

    Hiccup?"

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

    "JACK!" Hiccup screamed as his heart stopped. He watched, frozen on the bank of the pond as the figure of his boyfriend fell backwards off the edge of the dark rocks they had climbed all those years ago as kids. Memories flashed before his eyes as Jack hit the water with a sickening splash, every cherished memory he held disappearing into a void as his brain tried to lock every single painful one away. He felt a sob threaten to shake his body, snapping him back to reality. Adrenaline took over, his body moving on its own as he pulled his shirt from over his head, tossed his phone to the side, and ran into the chilly pond. He pushed against the resistance of the water, running all the way out until it was only his head above the crystal surface, pausing and taking a mouth full of air and diving under. 

    He propelled himself the best he could, eyes burning as he frantically looked for any sign of Jack in the darkness of the water. His lungs began screaming for air, his head growing fuzzy, but he pushed deeper and deeper, determined to find the white-haired teen or die with him. 

    And then he saw him. 

    Limp and lifeless, Hiccup saw Jack's form floating just feet below him, hauntingly still and his heart fluttered again in fear. He struck a hand in front of him, kicking wildly until he could wrap his hand around Jack's arm, and tugged hard as he flipped his body around before continuing to kick, this time headed for the surface. His chest felt ready to burst and his vision fade began to fade at the edge's, everything becoming blurry and distorted, and he felt his body slowing down. His kicks became less powerful, his grip on his boyfriend began to slip, and the sky still seemed so far away...

    With a gasp, his head broke the surface and he sucked in air greedily, head swimming dangerously. For a moment, he forgot how he'd gotten in the water, and his grip on Jack's arm faltered again. The feel of the soaked cotton of Jack's sleeve shocked him back to attention, and he dove under to grip his boyfriend by the waist before returning to the surface with the white-haired teen limp in his arms. Hiccup swam towards the bank, his body shaking with effort now as his adrenaline rush began to fade, and he let out a sigh of relief as his feet finally collided with solid ground. Still dragging Jack beside him, he pushed himself out of the water until he was crawling along the soft dirt and mud. He released Jack gently, laying him on his side with an arm and leg outstretched, pushing down his own panic at his boyfriend's stilled chest and grabbed his phone, dialing 911 with a shaky hand. He pressed his free hand to Jack's wrist, counting to ten, looking for his pulse as he waited for the operator to pick up. He felt his heart leap into his throat when he found none just as the call clicked.

    "911, what is your emergency?

    "I-I just pulled my boyfriend out of a pond," Hiccup's mouth felt dry, his voice trembling, "A-And he's unconscious." 

    "Is he breathing?"

    "N-No, and h-he has no pulse." Hiccup choked out, beginning to feel panic take over.

    "Do you know CPR?

Hiccup nodded, forcing out a weak "Y-Yes" before leaning over Jack and rolling him onto his back. He hadn't practiced in months, having learned it in freshman year health class, but he remembered almost every step, and he thanked the gods dearly for it. 

    "Start administrating CPR while I call an ambulance. What is your location?

    "T-The Burgess Park Forest, j-just off Berk trail. T-The closest entrance is Wa-Warren's Den." 

    He could hear quick typing in the background of the call, pounding against his ears. "An ambulance is on route. What is your name?" 

    "H-Hiccup."

    "Hiccup, I will stay on the line as you try and revive him until the ambulance gets there. Okay?"

    "O-Okay." Was all he said in response before putting his phone down and moving to sit on his knees back Jack's head. Laying one hand atop another over his breastbone, Hiccup began giving chest compressions, counting every one aloud in a whisper. 

    "One, two, three..." C-Come on Jack, don't you d-do this to me... "Ten, eleven, twelve..." 

    Hiccup held back tears as he reached thirty, beginning the cycle over without administrating two breaths; he was rusty, he might not tilt the head right, and chest compressions were more important.

    Once he finished a fifth set of chest compressions, Hiccup stopped and leaned down until his ear was by Jack's mouth. He waited, listening and praying for any sign of life, and he nearly screamed when he felt the teen beneath him flinch before beginning to cough up water violently. 

    "Oh s-shit-!" He scrambled back, sending a spray of clumped dirt everywhere before rolling Jack onto his side, patting against his back as the water continued to flow out of his mouth. 

Oh thank the gods... 

    Keeping his eyes on Jack, Hiccup reached back for the phone and held it to his ear, keeping a hand on Jack's back. "H-He's conscious now, coughing up water."  

    "The ambulance is on its way." The operator responded. "You did very good Hiccup."

    Hiccup nodded absentmindedly, turning his attention back to Jack as the water finally stopped pouring out of him. The teen started to shake, curling up on himself, and Hiccup dropped the phone as he moved to pull Jack closer to him. He hugged him gently, setting him on his lap and buried his face in his hair as Jack hid his face in Hiccup's chest. He felt the white-haired teen's hand wrap themselves around his arms, clenching onto them weakly as quiet sobs began to fill the air.

    "I-It's okay Jack," Hiccup whispered, thanking every god he knew as his tears finally began to spill over, "I've got you...I've got you..."

    And I'm never letting go again...

yay for writing out bad thoughts.

well i can’t believe i just wrote that. but i do have to admit it is a very good way to get out thoughts and emotions and stuff safely. darker than my normal stuff. sorry about that. 

this is modern au, if you didn't already guess.

this probably needs warnings doesn’t it.


© 2013 - 2024 TheStarsofPines
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SongStar14's avatar
Jack.....No.....Don't.....Go........... YESOHMYGODTHANKHICCUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! btw thank you, I'm like him